Response - "23 THINGS TO DO INSTEAD OF GETTING ENGAGED BEFORE YOU’RE 23"

It's been a while since I wrote a blog post (which is probable the most cliché way to start this post, haha). I figured after seeing this article several times, having several discussions, and even having my opinion sway, I'd just write about this post, which covers some of my favorite subjects: people, relationships, and wisdom.

This article on 23 things to do instead of getting engaged before 23 was not only fascinating and challenging in itself, but also brought up a lot of my own ideas I have never quite put together before, so I figured this was a great two-in-one. My points are both responses to her ideas and building on my own (and friends' responses I quote).

Here's a link to the article by Vanessa Elizabeth:
23 THINGS TO DO INSTEAD OF GETTING ENGAGED BEFORE YOU’RE 23

Here's the best as I can summarize it: Men and women under 23 are getting married because it is hip, they want its pleasures, and they can't deal with life on their own. Instead, people should wait to get married and take time to develop their own identity by enjoying many pleasures and experiences of their lives so that they know themselves and don't miss out.

The Negative
Adventure: Her premise seems to be that once you are married, having adventures is impossible. You could argue that traveling is hindered somewhat, but it is still entirely possible. As my friend John put it, "I didn't realize that now that I am married I can't grow, learn, travel, party, cuddle, read or explore anymore! What a mistake!"

Identity: "I have no idea who I am, what I’m doing, and who I’ll be doing it with for the next year… let alone for the rest of my life." That doesn't mean that no one else does. In fact, discovering yourself is very much enhanced by other people. Others often know us better than we know ourselves.

Age and maturity: While there is definitely validity in relating age/experience and wisdom/understanding, these things are not directly correlated. As my friend Amanda said, "Just because you're 10 years older doesn't mean you'll stick it out." If no one knows themselves enough to get married at 23, I doubt Elizabeth should even be writing marriage advice at that age.

Selfishness: My major problem with the article is the selfishness of it. Her 22nd point in the list blatantly says "Be selfish." The 11th says to "Date two people at once and see how long it takes to blow up in your face." This is completely inconsiderate of the two other human beings who's lives would be torn apart by such an action. Even the consequences of such action are only described by the consequences of the person doing the cheating.

However: She has said multiple times on her Twitter and Facebook that the list was actually satirical. Still, after reviewing the article several times, she doesn't make this very clear.

Originally, I really liked the article. She makes some very good points I've said many times myself. I was only swayed to a more neutral position as people pointed out the selfishness that underlies the motives and reasoning.

The Positive
The Divorce Rate: "The divorce rate for young couples is more than twice the national average." This is a very serious statistic that needs to be considered. The article she links too has some very relevant stories. We should be deeply challenged by these stories and statistics, and ask ourselves why this is happening.

Want vs Need: There seems to be a cultural assumption that we need to get married. Most of the time I hear a person arguing for marriage, they are arguing against reasons not to, but most seem to act as if it is an obvious necessity. I think this hinders us greatly from asking us why we really should get married. Most of the reasons such as personal growth and emotional support can be done without marriage, so we really need to think about what makes marriage special or different (because I'd like to think it is more than just sex, personally).

Identity: While I agree with most people that you can definitely develop your identity in marriage, it is not unwise to have a strong understanding of who you are before getting married. Our identities play a role in our marriage to someone, and also have a part in who we choose to marry. While "we can learn who we are while married" isn't an untrue reasoning, that's a poor reason not to take the time to learn about yourself significantly before you get married.

Co-dependency: This is probably one of the biggest subjects for me. I've seen too many "safety blanket" relationships where people who don't know how to be single get married out of despair. Too many people "hide behind a significant other" and hope to fill holes that parents, compliments, and even God should have filled. Books like "The Family" by Balswick & Balswick discuss this, and much research does, and yet most Christian and secular circles just treat it as if this is supposed to fill the hole (or God is the only other element at play). Our culture doesn't actually explore marriage, but rather just accepts it, and through this we open the doors to a lot of issues that I believe make marriages much less healthy. We are destroyed from lack of knowledge. As my friend Maggie said, "some people marry young simply because they don't know what else to do and they don't wanna be alone."

Love lasts: "If your love is truly eternal, what’s the rush? If it’s real, that person will continue to be committed to you 2 months from now, 2 years from now, and 2 decades from now." I'm not idealistic enough to think that there's this magical connection that makes it impossible to marry the wrong person; we have freedom to make our own decisions. However, I do think that both as a Christian, God has plans (like we say he does with nearly everything else), and also exactly as Elizabeth says, if someone really loves you it lasts.

Other's experiences: I can relate to hearing things like "my mom and dad got married young and X, Y and Z." The thinking that "it worked before so its a good idea" is a terrible line of reasoning, and yet I hear people use it all the time. (The Israelites use this same reasoning in Jeremiah 44 to justify worshiping false gods.) I don't feel like I should even have to elaborate on how bad this logic is. You can probably come up with a bunch of your own examples in your head.

Additionally
Commitment: I hear people say all the time that marriage is about commitment. If that were true, why wouldn't we just use the words interchangeably? Commitment is a huge part of marriage, assuredly, but it is not the whole of marriage. Communication, honesty, intimacy, sexuality, and many other elements go into what makes marriage. I think two committed people can work through issues together, but I don't think that it means every relationship where you can do that is wise.

The right person: I think the most important element in a marriage is the maturity of the two people ("maturity" being a large blanket term I use that covers commitment). However, I think the second most important element is who you choose to marry, and rather than just looking at age, I agree with my friend Rob that "you should probably base that around when you meet the right person." I think the real challenge, then, in figuring out how we determine who the "right person" is, and I'd direct you to not only ask some married couples, but ask people who have spent their lives studying and counseling marriages. (Check out Les & Leslie Parrot, Cloud & Townsend, and Neil Clark Warren.)

Wisdom vs mistakes: There is a difference between saying something is unwise and saying it is a mistake. There may be very good reason to say that young marriage is unwise or should at least be approached with strong caution (the divorce rate being one of those reasons). However, as my friend Collin says, "Assuming that all people married and younger than 23 are making grave life mistakes is an all-ism fallacy." I think the article could be construed both ways.

"No one is perfect": I hear this statement all the time and it bugs the heck out of me because of its misuse. Yes, no one is perfect, but that doesn't mean we shouldn't apply wisdom and grow some before we get married. No one will drive perfectly, but we still learn the rules of the road and do our best. We still have a standard of "that person is abusive" in comparison to people who are healthier. So it isn't unreasonable to discuss the standards of what will make a marriage stronger or when a person is ready.

Opinions: This is one final response to an objection I hear much too often. People will say "you're single and don't know anything." However, people can have comprehension and understanding without direct experience. People also have experienced hurt, relationships, betrayal, life, and a lot of other elements in marriage that do give them some insight. Even more important though, is that some people will have a single marriage experience, and others will take that as enough for thorough insight. I'd say I trust the advice of experienced marriage counselors more than a few married couple's experiences, just like I'd trust the zookeeper's opinions about animals more than the person who just loves to look at elephants. Marriages are all different.

Conclusion
I think one of the biggest issues in all of this is the necessity of marriage. People spend a lot of time defending things like marrying young, and yet don't give very good reasons to marry young. To figure this out, we need to push past the cultural defaults of just assuming marriage is normal and we don't need to have any reasons (which means our only reasons are purely emotion) and actually explore the rationality behind it as much as we do the emotions of it. Yes, we can marry young without grave consequences, but should we?

In all of this, though, we need to remember too that everyone has different experiences, and calling Vanessa Elizabeth an idiot or a hypocrite does nothing to encourage her or anyone else who reads her article. It actually makes us look like the unreasonable ones, in my opinion. As my friend Ryan said, we need to be "reading with the intention of loving." I appreciate her honesty to write down what she thinks, and I think it does offer some very wise insights for critical thought that should challenge us.